Wednesday, March 21, 2012

just write: I want to be a good wife.


This thing that we have done, it's changed me.

I don't reach for your hand as often, not because I don't want to hold it, but because my own hand feels absurdly huge, like Andre the Giant's, like I'm having a constant out-of-body experience because I've seen things and done things that have tweaked my mind and my heart.

I look down at my body and it feels like someone else's, in minute ways. The fresh-faced girl of 22, standing at the altar, is still here but at this moment, she feels lost and not sure she'll ever find her way back; she's road-weary from the journey and suffering from mild shock.

It's not that you haven't stood by me 100, 110, or 1,000,000 percent, because you have and you do, and I know I'm an undeservedly blessed woman. You prove that to me every single day. 

But there is a cross that I bear, all mothers bear, that you can't bear for me and I don't know how to share the burden because I'm new at this; I've only stumbled a few steps along the walk to Calvary. And I want to explain this to you in a way that means something, but I don't know how, and when I can't explain I'd rather not talk about it at all, because this is now all a matter of life-and-death and the tone matters.

My mom said this to me:

"I have figured out the secret to marriage: Love God more than your husband, love your husband more than your kids, love your kids with all your heart."

I am trying to figure out how to do that and do it well, but my attempts are sloppy. I watch everything from outside eyes and I feel like a stranger. Five years of marriage next month - it seems like so little but also so much.

I want to hang up my stranger's cloak - resentment that parades as strength - and stay awhile.

Just Write. 

7 comments:

  1. Beautiful and sad and true. A lot of us are walking in your shoes.

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  2. thank you for your honesty. this resonates with my experience quite a bit.

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  3. I felt like you were speaking right to me. So much has changed in our 10 years of marriage and neither of us feel as tho we are the same. Growing up is an interesting journey.

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    1. Becky you are so right...it feels like growing up. Not always so fun, but necessary and good in the long run.

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  4. I love this, it's so true and so difficult and so beautiful. Thank you for sharing such a part of your soul.

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  5. oh, this is beautiful and sad and true. loving comes so naturally and yet is so difficult all at once. and part of loving is receiving it... also wonderfully easy and difficult all mixed up together.

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  6. Dear Friends I am looking for someone sincere in Christ because I am desire to have a Christian wife since I joined Community Bible Church, unfortunately there are non Christian around me even my family too but I am grateful to God that he showed me the right way.
    Amen

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