Saturday, June 23, 2012

imma go crazy!

I know, I know, I said I'd post the pregnancy part of my twin birth story today, but I'm still working on it AND I need to vent.

In fact, in order to let the "good girl" in me feel better about spilling my guts more often (I'm mostly an "I'm doing fine" person regardless of how I'm actually doing, something I'm working on!) I'm going to make this a bona-fide post category. Calling it "Imma Go Crazy" or "Imma Go Cray-Cray," depending on how comedic I'm feeling.

I even made a cool collage:

So now it's officially okay for me to throw a grownup temper tantrum. It's a good thing you can't see my actual face because it'd be ugly.

Today was the day of my friend's baby shower. Another friend and I took charge of planning the party, reserving a table for brunch at Mother's and coming up with cute favors and games and a scrapbook for people to sign.

In my mind, this was going to be a kid-less affair - Andy would watch the girls while I had a big fat mimosa (or two) and chatted with girlfriends about pregnancy and the early days of parenting and steal the clothespins of the ladies who I caught saying "cuuuute!" I'd snap pics for Instagramming and have a grand time.

Sigh. It was not to be, and thus began the war of my old life, footloose and fancy free, against my new life, as responsible mother to 11-month-old twins.

The original plan was to take the girls to Mother's at the very beginning, and Andy would meet me there to take them home for naps. Instead, I got a call from him mid-morning to tell me that something was wrong with the roaster and they needed to do some repairs. He wouldn't be making it to pick up the girls, sorry. In fact, he didn't know how long he'd be. We had also planned to go to the Portland Blogger family picnic later in the evening, and that was now up in the air, too.

Okay, deep breaths, this is going to be all right. They're usually pretty good in restaurants, right? Yes, they sure are, for about 30 minutes at a time. Not a few hours. I called Mother's and had them add two highchairs to our table reservation. No, this was not going to be the girlfriend gabfest that I had pictured. In my head, I was stamping my feet and pulling my hair. Can't a girl get a freakin' mimosa?!

I hoisted Afton into the Boba and Ruthie into the ringsling, loaded up my arms with diaper bag, purse, mini succulent favors and party supplies, set my jaw, and headed out.

Bless my littles, they really are sweet and personable girls. But how much can you expect from a baby? Two babies? Not a whole lot. And I did NOT want the guests to feel like they needed to watch/hold/entertain them, because this was my friend's special brunch, her time to talk about baby and pregnancy and her experiences so far. I wanted them to be seen and not heard.

Friends of mine will laugh and tell me that of course they don't mind if the girls come! but I minded. I really didn't want them there. I wanted some alone time, some girl time, where I felt like my old self and didn't have to deal with babies, no matter how much I love them. And I wanted a mimosa.

If you can play out how the brunch must have gone, you'll probably have gotten it just about right. They were good, but still needed a lot of attention, and I spent a lot of time shuffling two babies between my lap and the high chairs, the floor looked like a disaster area, and as the party wore on, their eyes took on a red-rimmed sheen than told me they should really be napping. I had help, but tried to keep them occupied so they wouldn't take attention away from the new mama.

If my meal was good, I don't remember. Supposedly it's one of the best breakfasts in Portland. I was shoveling down forkfuls of lemon-poppyseed pancakes and gulping down the decaf like water, pretending it was a tart, orangey mimosa while trying to keep some baby hands out of maple syrup.

We sat at the end of the table, and I could see that there was some funny and heartwarming conversation happening, but I just wasn't a part of it. Inside, I had another mini temper tantrum. I should be laughing and sharing, too! I should be Oooo-ing and aaahh-ing over gifts, too! Seriously, why did this have to happen TODAY? 

Ruthie fussed and I whispered to please, oh please be quiet. be quiet. Afton threw spoons and toys and I glared at her little smiling face, immediately feeling guilty at the wrath I felt. It was not their fault.

It wasn't terrible, the girls really were fine, but I wasn't fine. I wanted to say it was okay and that I was "fine," say something like, "that's life" or something, but when Andy finally made it home, and it was clear that we also wouldn't be making it to the Blogger picnic, I forced myself to be really honest, out loud.

Not to blame him, or make him feel bad, but to just simply tell the truth and let him into my world.

It was a beautiful shower. Kim looks wonderful and ready to pop. The place was lovely. Everyone had a great time. The girls were good. But I didn't want them there. I wanted to joke and laugh and relax and have some girl time, and it was exactly the opposite for me. I was struggling the whole time.


I really am fine, now. The girls came home and fell right to sleep, I sat down to decompress and think about how my old life and my new life are so different. Sometimes they mesh seamlessly together, but more often than not, they're butting heads and playing tug-of-war.

I love the piece written by Lisa Jo about how she had to "break up" with herself when she had kids. I think about this all the time. Today was a great reminder of how these beautiful girls, as Lisa Jo puts it, "huff and puff and blow your life down."

Or, in my own words, how sometimes they make you swap out a boozy mimosa for a cup of lukewarm decaf.


  1. Oh dear! I've so had those meals :( You totally deserve a mama's day out - complete with mimosas! Perhaps next time I'm down south we should plan a mama only breakfast :)

    1. That sounds wonderful! It's a date! :)

  2. Oh man, I totally understand. My husband is so busy with work, school, and house projects that whenever I want to go somewhere, I have to take Pearl. I literally average around 3 hours a month without her. Today I just sat in the bathroom for a while after getting ready for church just because I was in there alone and it felt pretty nice.
    Anyway, I hope you get an outing soon with your friends, you totally deserve it!
    And, it was fun to meet you on Friday, thanks for stopping by the garage sale!

    1. Ah, the bathroom, sounds so nice :) It was so good to meet you, too, and if the sun would come out for more than 5 minutes, we'd go to the park and use our nifty new picnic blanket!

  3. Oh, Megan. I just sat my husband down yesterday and told him that I'm tired of the only "alone time" I have being when I'm in the car on my way to run errands. I think a lightbulb finally went off.

    I'm so sorry about your "ruined" outing -- it sounds like it actually went really well, all things considered, but it SUCKS when you have expectations and hopes for an event (and a break!) and it doesn't work out how you planned. You handled it with aplomb. And I'm so glad you're venting about it here, because if not here, where and when?! Thank goodness for the internet.

    Andy better be making you as many mimosas as you demand and bringing you breakfast in bed sometime soon! (Just for the record, I can tell you EXACTLY how many drinks I've had since giving birth 13 months ago -- what they were, where I was, and how good they were -- because it's been so few times. Seriously.)

  4. so tough! this is excatly the reason i have been thinking about starting a childcare co-op. just for date nights. so the idea is you have a list of parents who sign up and take turns and some that are on call for emergencies such as yours. also add picnics for the parents on that list to get to know each other better that way they are more comfortable leaving their kids. sounds like it would work right? i read about it in 'my mother wears combat boots'

  5. AnonymousJune 26, 2012

    megan, i'm a friend of tiffany hagler's and she shared your blog...i am a fan, i can totally relate, and i'd totally share a mimosa with you any day. keep up the fab blogging! xo

  6. I totally know where you are coming from :) I find that when I have the twins with me at my weekly coffee catch-up with the girls I can't fully concentrate on the conversation. Last time my friend had some bad news to share, in my past life I would have been there fully for her. I had to apologise profusely to her later that I felt I was neglecting her! Good friends understand but still I didn't feel good about being so distracted by the twins antics. Ah well, what can we do! I am going to read that link that you put up now. Good on you for expressing how you felt to Andy.

    1. Thanks, Amie! I seriously-jokingly told my mom that now I know why moms can hang out so much - they never finish a conversation, so there's always something to talk about! Whereas when you don't have kids, you cover a lot more ground in a shorter time. Ha!


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