Tuesday, September 4, 2012

just write: piles

 I'm sharing our "Portlander Problems" over at Kira's blog today, hop on over and take a look!

(weekly obsession: hats)

My living room has looked the same for the past week. A hill of the girls' clean clothes, folded and refolded at least three times, sits on a plaid chair and spills over onto the couch, the same couch that is covered with a quilt and waiting patiently for a proper slipcover, #16 on the list of things to do.
Four little hands love to pull these neat piles off and onto the ground and crawl around the soft cotton obstacle course.

It's a good picture of what life is at the moment - I have neat piles of things to do or that I want to do, or should do, but chubby little fingers grasp onto whatever they can hold and yank with glee. I rewrite and reorganize the piles after they go to bed, but can't seem to find the energy to go any further, retreating onto the couch or into bed with my Kindle or a browse through Instagram.

I've become capable of rest, and the not-doing, and it was a hard but necessary lesson. But I crave a change in season, both literally and figuratively. The pumpkin spice flavor will be on the menu at the coffee shop at any moment, and I may have opened my own jar of the pungent spice mixture and inhaled with closed eyes. I'm so ready.

Other people have said that their kids start sleeping through the night at 5 months (who ARE you?), 14 months, or maybe not even until two. My mind has been occupied with wondering how to go about night weaning in a gentle way, because I haven't slept a full night since before they were born. It's not the overwhelming flood of emotion that the first year of sleep deprivation brings, now it's just a quiet waiting that leaves me close to the edge of despair, toes peeking over the ledge.

There is a louder hope that keeps me grounded, because I see my friends' children, a few months ahead of us but light years away in terms of sleeping and aptitude and ability - and I know that will be us, and soon. What happens between one and two years old boggles my mind, and I want to witness it. I want to be fully present for this explosion of growth that I know is just right around the corner.

The piles and the list, folded and refolded and written on a million different scraps of paper, will hold for now. This season is almost over. I can't miss out.

Just Write.


  1. Oh friend...not a full nights sleep?!
    I hope you find a way that fits for you guys to wean them at night.... uninterrupted sleep is so needed for your body!
    Good luck friend!

  2. I definitely feel ready for a new season too, but then there are days I look at my baby and don't want her to get a day older. I'm just trying to enjoy the stage we are in now, but I often do look ahead and think about how (hopefully) easier things will be as she ages.

  3. You are amazing. That is all!


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