Thursday, February 7, 2013

To be a safe haven.


My two sleepyheads cuddle up in their cribs and we all let out a collective sigh of relief. 

It's tough on everyone, this growing up thing. Believe me, I know

Some days I feel like a child again, facing down the monsters in the closet, only this time the monster is me and the anger that I work so hard to breathe through and release is hulking and threatens to manifest itself in ways that my toddlers would not understand. Their little hearts are so precious, so vulnerable, so impressionable. My sense of justice is so short-sighted, blinded by my sense of entitlement and the things I think I deserve.

I suppose that's why my heart of hearts has come to be so against my use of physical discipline, because it's me I don't trust and retribution is what it would become. Do not hand me that rod; throw it off the bridge and watch it sink to the bottom. Fling it off the mountain top as I build my altar up here and purpose to walk a different path, a stone-strewn mountain trail that leads me far away from the person I see myself becoming without a continuing inflow of grace and mindbending mercy.

I'm believing in someone Greater than myself to measure justice, believing that the One I trust is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He is good to all, and His mercy is over all that He has made. Always, always, always.

That I would take that on as my mama-mantra, to the fulfilling benefit of my children, because when the natural consequences of life and being human rain down on their little heads, I'll be a safe haven for them to take shelter, with words of correction and truth and life and encouragement.

It's been a while, but once again sharing with Heather and Emily. Join up! 

6 comments:

  1. Beautifully said. I'm still not sure where I stand as far as spanking goes, but at this point, I can't imagine actually doing it.

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    Replies
    1. It's a tough subject. For us we've gone back and forth on it but this sealed the deal, plus Andy's pretty terrible experience in grad school, student teaching, and learning about the way the brain develops: http://hippiehousewife.blogspot.com/2011/11/rod-verses-taking-rod-verses-literally.html

      Plus I was a really angry child and still have problems with my temper sometimes, and my little brother bore the brunt of my aggression. It was really sad.

      Delete
  2. Fling it off the mountain top as I build my altar up here and purpose to walk a different path, a stone-strewn mountain trail that leads me far away from the person I see myself becoming without a continuing inflow of grace and mindbending mercy.


    this is exquisite, friend. some days, the mothering is so hard. but we have someone to whom we can turn. bless you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have never EVER struggled with anger before. and then i became a parent. now it's a constant battle and lately my urges to yell, push, hit, storm around, slam doors, etc. have been huge. HUGE. (and that's so not me - i've always been very non-violent and passive aggressive when it comes to my anger. never actually aggressive.) i've done a fair bit of swearing in my head and hitting pillows recently. i can hardly believe that i'm the same person... but it's so clear that these precious vulnerable littles are the biggest instruments of discipleship in my own life! i am learning so much about my need for HIM. some days i just pray and pray that i don't mess them up. but then i know, they will never be beyond the reach of HIM who loves us so. i'm so glad HE loves them even more than i do. and i'm so glad that even despite my own failures and internal battles, he still somehow thinks i'm trustworthy enough to parent them. WOW.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, yes, yes and YES. I struggle with this and feel this way ALL THE TIME. I'm so thankful that God is gracious and gentle with me, and I'm learning to be that way in turn with my girls. Sometimes I just say, "choose love, choose love" under my breath over and over.

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