Friday, May 24, 2013

the tension of motherhood.



(my babies are almost TWO. When I look at these pictures, it's a blur. It makes me sad that I can't even remember those crazy days...and makes me thankful for Instagram and this blog!)

How many times a day can one's heart burst, break, mend, and do it all over again? The tension of motherhood is a beautiful and ridiculous condition to ponder. I am reminded of the paradox every single day, especially during these fragile and testing toddler years. 

How is it that their cries and screams can simultaneously break your heart in two and rise up the bile in your throat? The little pudgy hands that reach desperately for your arms are both limiting - because can't I just get something done - and freeing, because they are your world and then nothing else matters. 

Those little freckles appearing in random places on their baby bodies are sacred, a mark of unique humanity that leaves you in awe and yet you wonder if someday it might turn into cancer. 

Sometimes, being present in the moment is a glory, and sometimes it's just plain exhausting.  

They are maddening and their actions drive me to swearing under my breath in the most creative ways, yet the next moment I'm reveling in their intelligence and seriously just how adorably can someone push a plastic shopping cart around the living room? Or when they hear and airplane and both scream and point at the sky yelling, Apa! Apa!

To sneak in and watch them sleep, and every time I look twice their arms and legs are longer. 

I beg, slow down and let me catch up, let me process everything that has happened in the last two years, and yet - please, grow up a little more and gain some more independence so we can start to really have some fun together..and yet, I know that their need for connection with me is as strong as it's ever been and my expectations continue to jump ahead of their development. 

And then, I know one day they'll jump out of my arms and suddenly be independent women with dreams and ambitions and wounds and longings. And I'll remember how I used to cuddle them up together like I did today, calming their after-nap grumpies and sitting with them at their little table as they snack on watermelon. 

I stumble upon this quote frequently, but it must keep appearing because it really is true: 





3 comments:

  1. Such a beautiful and honest post. Love this!

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  2. My big kid turns 10 this year and I still know which freckle first appeared on his wee toddler body and when. I feel like it was just last week that I noticed it for the first time. I know it's cliché but the really do grow up so fast!

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