Oh sure, it's nothing new. All moms feel like failures at one time or another.
It still stings.
Perhaps because becoming a mother is so much more than a personal journey. These little lives are in our hands. Literally. They see the good, the bad, and the very ugly.
Sometimes I feel like when I blog about parenting I'm usually saying, "this is rough." and sometimes I feel guilty about that, because I don't want to be thought of as whiny or a downer.
And sometimes I feel like a stinkin' schizophrenic - trying to give guidance and discipline firmly on one hand and then smiling and encouraging them on the other - it's a little exhausting!
And it IS rough.
This is the first time in my life that I've EVER mothered toddlers, two toddlers at that. Two toddlers being consumed with emotions they can't control and power that they're learning to wield. Two toddlers with colds that zap their energy and huge molars jutting through their jaws. Wouldn't I feel just a little bitchy, too? I know the answer is yes.
These last two weeks have been the hardest yet. Tantrums, snot, bad sleep, travel, a rental house with unexpected problems, and a husband working at a new business that takes him away most of the time. It all feels like a little too much, and I feel myself cracking at the edges.
With Andy's blessing, last week I packed up the girls and left for my parents for a little respite from hectic Portland life. I'm trying to recenter and actually practice the basic principles of Peaceful Parenting (I am doing a series on it, after all) along with so much prayer for patience and fortitude.
And a confession? I've
*Stabs Self in Eyes*
Each time I felt terrible and asked for her forgiveness and told her that I'm really stressed and unsure of how to respond to her when she does something that I asked her not to do. I told her I don't want to spank her but in those moments I just don't know what else to do.
She didn't really cry, just kind of looked at me with a blank stare. That was the worst.
I'm still unsure of how to deal with the throwing food situation, and I'm searching and praying for guidance, because it is a stumbling block. It may be a small something for some people, but for some reason I take it personally. Still working through that one!
And giving myself grace in this area - even though I've compromised myself in the way I want to parent, I still realize that remaining open to them and keeping my heart soft is the most important thing. So apologizing is an important and necessary step for me. Along with being honest with her about why I'm angry, even if she doesn't completely understand.
All this to say, these past two weeks have been incredibly difficult and when (when?) we reach the other side, I'm going to be extremely thankful.
Aaaaaand my fair share of this: